I tried something new, which I hadn’t tried in a while (probably not since my high school senior talent show). I wrote out the entire stand up monologue, memorized it, and stuck to it. I feel I would’ve done better, though, if I had paid more attention to the audience, and been more loose. What do you think? Video below, then the written script…
I was traveling recently. I went to Italy. The last mic I did, people started clapping, but like, but don’t clap for that! Oh, look at me, I’m walking through airport security, (big claps, aw yeah), I’m walking through the metal detector (big claps, aw yeah). Oh, look at me, I’m standing in line for two hours at the Coloseum sweating in the hot sun, (big claps aw yeah). Now I’m taking a picture of the Coloseum, (big claps aw yeah).
Well, I ended up walking through a countless of these ancient greek and Roman ruins. I tell ya, somebody really aught to clean that old junk up, but no, they just leave it lying around for people to trip on and take hikes around. The nerve of these people. And really when you think about it, what a backwards country, not a single Starbucks. So I can’t order my grande or my venti here in Italy. This is an outrage.
Anyway, so I’ve flying all over the place. I’m in this brand new plane, the Boeing Dreamliner. And it’s very technologically advanced. But I see they still feel the need to put no smoking signs on every seat. You think people would start getting the idea… after 30 years! I can see it now, the no smoking light up sign accidentally clicks off… ‘Oh, looks like the no smoking sign is off. Guess I can light up.’ And this is weird. You go in the airplane’s bathroom, and there’s an ash tray in there. So, the no smoking sign is up there, and there’s the smoke detector, but here’s the ash tray… we dare ya. I really think these airplane engineers are really messing with us.
Here’s another theory. I think these airplane engineers are a nefarious group of people who are actually afraid to fly. Terrified of flying. But they’re real bitter about it, so they all got together and made a club, and decided to take it out on us. So now this is their long term plan, over the course of 50, 100 years, they start taking away leg room, millimeter by millimeter, so you don’t notice, until you’re like… ‘I can’t feel my legs.’ And that’ll be the end of you. It’ll be like the trash compactor scene in Star Wars. You’ll be using the rock solid breads sticks they give you for lunch, to prop it in, and keep the seat in front of you from crushing you to your untimely end.
And then they start releasing the tentacle monsters… so then you’re really screwed. And then they end you for good, when they feed you dinner… which is rather mediocre.